It has taken a lot to get there, but finally the dam has broken. I have enough work lined up to last me the summer well into the school year. I have recovered my earning potential of that awful management position I left. Now, I’m hoping my work allows me to push that potential up even a bit further.
I wish I felt as celebratory as I should. It’s been a long time since I could earn enough to cover my expenses. Honestly, since student loan payments started up, I haven’t done so even once.
I was not doing well stressing over my bleak future. I tried to ground myself. Running, meditating, trying to take a little moment here and there to appreciate something pleasant, like all the free kombucha on tap I can drink.
Mostly, my stomach settled down when I could stop thinking about the future. This left me in a perpetual state of absent mindedness. It’s called mindfulness, as you are supposed to have your mind entirely focused on the present, and more specifically, yourself. Not your thoughts and fears, but your physical being. Breathe in, breathe out. Think about nothing but your lungs expanding with air and releasing the tension in your muscles.
While I continue to suppress a reservoir of rampant thoughts, I find myself flooded with emotions. Now, I’m a cerebral person, used to thinking through my issues. Define the system, identify the variables, work from the evidence back to spot the wrench in the cogs. I’m turning it off. The problem now is that I’m sitting here awash with emotion. I don’t really know what they are. My brain lights up and seeks patterns and organization. It goes forward and backward in time, investigating the cause-effect reactions. Then I stop it again. Stop thinking about the future, because that’s been the first step into madness lately.
I hope diving headlong into work does my mental health some good. I hope that when someone presses me for my thoughts, I can come up with something that’s socially acceptable. I hope that the completion of the projects I have lined up brings enough financial relief to at least let the rest of the year be enjoyable. I hope, but nothing about my state of being is behind that hope. It’s as isolated and vulnerable as I have been feeling for a while now.
I got what I wished for, so I guess, fanfare or not, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where I end up.